#fitspo

I don’t know what age it starts at, but I feel that every little girl has, at least once, dreamt about looking like the women in a magazine. Maybe that little girl dreams of washboard abs or sculpted arms. I know that I dreamt of having lean, toned legs and a desirable hour-glass figure. I dreamt of it so much that at twelve I was watching what I ate, and by thirteen I was following the diet from a weight-loss conglomerate. I followed the diet-binge-purge-diet routine throughout the five years of school, only to find that I had never reached my “dream” figure or weight. I could never figure out how other girls were capable of attaining the type of body I desired, while I couldn’t reach it despite all my sweat and tears.

For those of you who don’t know, #fitspo stands for “fit-spiration”; as in, to give you motivation to live a fit life and make healthy choices via memes and social media posts. There are a lot of different opinion-pieces praising and defaming the #fitspo movement. We open Instagram and are bombarded with pictures of girls with tight abs and short-shorts, with sayings of “Sweat is just fat crying” and “Nothing tastes better than skinny feels.” I open up social media and see thousands of transformations and progress-shots from women working to get to the stage. Looking at this, I see two things: 1. motivation to get my butt moving, because I can most certainly do it if someone has already achieved it, and 2. self-hate because I’m not already there. Yes, #fitspo inspires me! I love seeing your transformations! I love knowing that there are women out there choosing to take steps towards a healthier, fitter life! But, I internalize a lot. This turns into a few self-directed derogatory remarks, and it takes some gentle reminding from myself and those who love me that I have already become my own transformation. That I have already achieved so much since I began my journey. The real problem here isn’t the photos, but the relationships we have with ourselves.

There was a time where I had stopped treating my body as if it had mattered. I partied, gained weight, and made poor choices while I fought to ‘find myself’. I cared very little about my own physical and mental well-being, and it showed. This carried on for two, unhealthy years until I became a mother and decided to make a change. Here I was, holding my little girl, with all these dreams of our future together. As she rested her little head against my chest for the first time, I realised: I was done being with all of it; done with the low self esteem and treating my body like a garbage shoot. I needed to make a change. In order to do that, I needed to build myself up and get strong; both inside and out. That moment was the spark to make that change I needed in my life. And, surprisingly, #fitspo helped keep me going.

I took little steps. I started running, again; something I had enjoyed prior to that ‘dark time.’ I used the little confidence I had as a reason to keep going. I wanted to be stronger. I wanted to be better. I wanted, so badly, for that girl from the past to look at me and say “you did good.” I wanted to show my daughter that if you put your mind to it, you can reach the highest of mountains. I followed at home workouts on YouTube, and eventually joined a gym. I was setting small goals –run 10 more minutes; fit a certain size pants- and would often look for motivation from pinterest and blogs via #fitspo. Slowly, my perception of me changed. I found the days I worked out I felt better about myself and my abilities to go about my day. My body was craving the boost of physical activity. When I felt like my determination was waning I would open social media and remind myself of where I wanted to be. #fitspo was where I found the posts that encouraged me. It helped keep me on the path to a physically and mentally stronger me. I felt like I was “#fitspo!”

Since January I have been training for an upcoming competition. I decided I was going to take my training in a different direction, hoping to bring a much fuller, leaner package to stage. Instead, I have found that the woman who built herself from the ground up over the last six years lost her confidence. I lost my mojo! I started dreading my workouts, progress pictures, and anything to do with fitting clothes. I even started hating #fitspo, blaming my lack for self-esteem on social media. This self-hating, diet-driven person is not the woman I created myself to be, and I refuse to believe that is the only road to the stage. It's, also, not what #fitspo is about! It isn't about fat-shaming or anti-equality propoganda. It's, also, not the cause for a decline in fitness! #fitspo is meant to inspire, and possibly help fuel that spark that got you started in the first place! So with that, I have realized I need more ‘healing time’ before I hit the stage. It isn’t a ‘gone forever’ situation, but a ‘need to work on the inside, first’ situation. It isn’t #fitspo’s fault that I feel inadequate. It’s not #fitspo or the media’s fault that I saw myself spiralling out. It was me and my inability to remember how far I have come. I refuse to be a victim to an attack from anyone, or my self. I have worked too hard for that.

There is still an image in my head of what I want to look like. I still want washboard abs. I wouldn’t mind if everything became a little tighter. But the thing about fitness is: it’s individualized. I need to take my time, get creative, and try different things to see what works for me and what doesn’t. I know the package I want to bring to the stage and I am willing to put in the time to make it. During that time, I’m going to keep working on that girl on the inside. She is my #fitspo, because, damn, she can kick some serious @$$.