Pride & Prejudice & Parenting
It would seem, these days, that you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't. "You don't breastfeed?! How dare you! You breastfeed? What kind of sick parent do you think you are? You work? You're neglectful! You stay at home? You must be dumb! You work out? Well, you must be self-centered and vain!" Being a parent can feel like the most vulnerable time in your life; and, just when you think you can turn to those around you for support, you are thrown into a vat of unsolicited opinions and criticism to fuel your self-doubt and loathing. On top of the many words of wisdom you are fed from all walks of life, new parents are bombarded with pictures of perfection via social media outlets like Pinterest and Instagram. These sites are screaming at parents that they, too, should have a six-pack weeks after bringing baby home, all while baking a batch of red velvet cupcakes and sewing every article of clothing in your child's closet during the many hours of "free time" you have on your maternity/paternity leave. If you produce anything less, you're obviously a slacker! But, no pressure.
I remember the social pressures I felt when I first became a parent. I felt like people were constantly saying "She's too young, and she doesn't know what she is doing," at every turn. Parenting is lonely. Even if you have a partner to hold your hand, there are some things that can be hard to bring up and some feelings we all too often hide for fear of rejection. We second guess ourselves. We read one thing, then hear another. We reflect on our childhood; but, are told every parenting tip from back-then can cause some illness or sudden death, today. No one has an answer, but everyone has an opinion. Dear God, do we envy the parents who can manage to paint their toes, or to have a shower every other day. Eventually, our struggle pays off and we find something of a daily schedule with our new child. We learn the best times of day to give ourselves a few minutes to feel human, and we gain a few more hours of sleep. To those without children it sounds crazy. Why would we give up our selfish ways to become a slave to such a tiny creature? Well, it's because of that feeling of unconditional love you get when you look into the eyes of your little human. It's a feeling that you could never understand before becoming a parent. A feeling that is so powerful it can overwhelm you. It will drive you, and it will scare you. You will become so determined, yet fear making the wrong choice. This fear is what those social media sources are fuelled by. It can be a very emotional time.
You have the potential, in these first years as a parent, to grow into the person you always dreamed of being. Hopefully, you will learn that the only reason you need behind you decisions is your family. That your family is enough for you to act. You can grow to be a strong and confident person for the child you are rearing, and provide your tiny human with an example to follow. Your patience will be tested one minute, and your heart made whole in the next as those little arms wrap around you for a hug. You will feel a raw hole in your chest every time you leave them at daycare, and have your heart returned to you when you come home to them at night. No matter how old they are, they will always be on your mind. They will be your reason for all that you do, and that reason will be enough to keep going.
Despite all of these reasons why you should be loving life, those memes will exist. Pinterest will still mock you. You will still see those pictures of "perfect parenting posts." You will still attempt to create the best gluten-free, dairy-free, "tastes-like-the-real-thing" cupcake because the Internet told you to. You will still try to keep your house perfect, while feeding your kids fresh made juice and forcing them to play, because you heard "screen time" is a bad thing. You will feel like the lady at daycare is telling you that your daughter looks unkempt. You will feel that your single friends think you're too self absorbed, because you can't go on vacation with them -those damn responsibilities again! And, you will be busting your ass at the gym to get that six-pack back, all because the woman in the meme told you it's possible!
Considering these social pressures, it's hard to believe that anyone actually wants to reproduce. Sure, the act of conceiving is fun; but, when it gets down to the nitty gritty of it all, no one can tell you how lonely it is, and how many times you will feel pressure from an insurmountable number of ridiculous sources. Sources you shouldn't care about, yet sadly do. Well, don't fear! This is a time in your life where your confidence will grow at an insurmountable rate, and I can promise you there will come a day when the pretty momma with the perfect makeup and well coiffed hair that just hand-made her child's school play costume will commend you on how well-put together and strong you appear. Then, she will confess what a hot mess she really is. That day will come, and you will realize that we are all one giant, smelly mess trudging our way blindly through parenthood. "Have kids," they said! "It will be fun," they said! ...and they wonder why Mommy likes her wine so much.
As someone who has been there, and sometimes reverts back to that dark place, all I can tell you is: it gets a little easier. Either that, or I have just learned to accept the chaos that is my life, and the little Mommy-pooch I have. I have learned to accept that, despite my love for baking, I cannot make a gluten-free cake to taste delicious no matter how many times I try. My sewing is only sub-par. And, my house usually looks likes a tornado hit it, every day by 7pm. Guess what? It took me 26 years, but I have finally learned that it's ok to say "F@!k you!" to society. An acquaintance wants to message me about my irresponsible actions as a parent, all because I have my child wearing a jacket in the car in -30 degree weather? "Thank you for your opinion. Have fun picking your head out of your rear." Someone wants to tell me I work out too much? "Thank you for your opinion. Now, tell me: how do you stay sane, because this is how I do it." We learn what works for us. We learn to stand up for ourselves. We get better at deflecting others' opinions and the struggle becomes a little less difficult. We find out who our true friends are. We cry for ourselves, and we cry for them. We build our village, and ourselves along with it. As I said: it is a fragile time, to be new parent.
No matter what you do in life, there will be critics. With the vast reach of social media and the Internet, it would be ignorant to assume that such an important part of our lives would not be subject to a barrage of social expectations. But, we can fight it. We can fight back by standing by our reasons for what we do: the tiny humans; the family we have created. That is enough to fuel us. That is enough to work to build a better you, for them. Be it through education, entrepreneurship, physical activity, or any number of the world's outlets for personal improvement and expression. As a dear friend always tells me: "You, be you." Don't ever doubt that. After all, you're already some little human's hero.
